Wednesday, 5 June 2013
As if I haven't mentioned it enough times on my blog, I've been under a lot of stress this year so far, but sadly, my hiatus and trip to the US wasn't quite enough for me to recover. Without listing all the details, I'm facing home and family problems, and my day-job is rapidly becoming unbearable (in fact, only a couple of days ago, I was physically assaulted by a customer- this has been the final straw for me, and I am now searching for a new job outside of the customer-service industry, especially as management haven't been supportive). I've been prone to depression, stress and anxiety, and finding it hard to cope with much besides a social life (which may sound really awful, that the only thing I can do right, right now, is have an active social life, but in all honesty, despite the energy I expend having it, its one of the few things keeping me sane right now).
This of course has left very little time for writing and drawing. I'm passing up submissions that would be pretty good for me, because I either don't have the time or the energy. While writing doesn't generally stress me out, it does require both time and energy, as said, and neither of those I have in abundance right now. With my daily schedule still in tatters (you'd think a month would be enough to get back on track!), my downtime at home when I come home from work usually involves surfing the net, a wee bit of TV, a book if I'm lucky (not much time for reading even!), painting my nails ridiculously crazy colours or sleeping. I'm doing a LOT more sleeping.
On one hand, its awfully frustrating, because I've tasted success (another anthology out recently, another next month), and I know I have to keep working at it if I want more of it. While I have been known to knock out a short story in a night, it takes hours of furious typing and a flurry of vicious editing, and as you can imagine, this requires me to be very alert, energetic and wired. Those periods of energy are not very prolonged for at the moment.
I have even struggled to maintain my usual exercise regime (although fortunately, a lot of going out means a lot of walking!), which has probably played its hand in affecting my mood.
Its also frustrating because I'm having IDEAS. If only I could have the energy to scribble furiously for a bit, and I'll probably finish the first draft of my novel within the next month or so, I can really feel it. I'm having lots of art ideas too. Art is something I can do in a more relaxed state, luckily (as I love to recline while drawing, and it also doesn't stress me out) but once again, I need to be very focused, and alert enough to do so. At the moment, if I'm relaxed, I'm going to sleep.
On the other hand though, I am aware that with everything the way it is, its very important for me to let writing and art take the back seat for now. I'm confident the ideas will still be there (especially for the novel), but if I try to juggle everything right now, I am going to snap. I am probably on the verge of a breakdown, and I'm seriously considering getting signed off work. I already have a doctor's appointment booked.
Now, I say all this, without being negative (REALLY! :P). I actually feel quite positive at the moment, because I have some ideas of how to avert this meltdown, and they are going to involve some major life changes. Its definitely going to involve a career change (still hoping if the writing works out well, that can be a help too ;) ), and things are going to change at home also. I'm also going to start introducing a strict routine for myself, written on a timetable like I had back at college :P I am pretty confident that if I act now, I can stop myself from going postal and losing my mind.
But it does mean that writing needs to go on the shelf for the moment.
But I'm totally ok with that, because it gives me something else to write about ;)
(PS- deleted to discover my acid-trip dreams are coming back! I love my crazy dreams, but went through a long phase without any! Lets hope I get time to record them again soon!)